Sunny & Cloudy Days....Patterns of my life and family

I am sitting here in the amazing little cafe BONGO BILLY'S, BEST TRIPLE MOCHA's in the world, and was just watching outside at the sky.  For one of a few days we have sunshine...it's nice temp too. I can see the clouds forming and moving where ever they want to go.  In a way I think that is what my life is doing. Really silly to think that way but not.

Watching the clouds form and roll and move and become brilliant white or darken up is fun, because I am feel that way on my life.  I tend to form and move one way maybe to the brilliant bright self i know I am and then sometimes to the darker side of me....sadder, more anger side of myself....Maybe I need a Jedi Master instead....different fantasy....lol 

Coming face to face with certain feeling and journaling makes a HUGE Difference in my life.  Working through issues, We each have things to work through.  I am not really sure at the the young age of 41yo who or what I am too be.  All I know now is I need to be the best Self, mom, friend, I can be to those who care about me and I care about them.  Some of my family don't realize how they say things and what  they say don't really hurt.

I have been struggling with the relationship with my father.  I think of the clouds turning  when i think of my father.  I really didn't grow up with him.  I only really got to see him 6-8 weeks out of the summer while growing up.  When I moved only 2 hrs from him instead of 5hrs I still only saw him for the summer.  My siblings are 10.5 yrs and 13yrs younger then me.  I will NEVER be anyone different then myself.  I was compared to my sister, Cristin, at one point.  She is younger then me and has all the brains....LOL  When I heard " Not all my children are smart.  My oldest can't spell."  I can to spell!!  I brushed it off....well to a point.  I felt I let people down all the time. I still do....when that happens the dark full clouds show up  stay with me for a long time. 

My family is a very mixed family...Only child of my mom & dad's horrible marriage (as told to me by both parents from the age of 8yo) I am the Oldest girl....thought up until I was 18 I was oldest child....My mom had 2 more boys younger then me and my dad had another girl and boy.  Then I found my older brother.....By the way I am the "RUNT" I am the shortest and widest of all my siblings....LOL  I love every family member so much.  My brother and sister from my dad is amazing with my weight loss journey right now.  They are trying to help me so much.  My sister is the one who told me about the changing moods or clouds in my life.  We are all adults and trying get closer......HENCE the 14er climb in 2012 Hopefully!!! We are working through our things.  Our father forget it!!!

My 2 brothers from my mom are supportive...They are my HEROES they are both military!!  Not that my brother and sister aren't my heroes in their own right!!   One bro is suffering through enough of his own things and my other brother is looking at a 7th deployment and 6th Christmas away from home at the end of this year.  Talk about Dark Rumblin Clouds with them.  My youngest bro told me to get working on weight or he will come train me MMA style----Wish he would he is into MMA!!  They love and support each other, we have our own DEMONS from growing up together and their dad.  But that is another blog day.

So all my family form and move to what their moods are just like the clouds in the sky.  more and more these days i am trying to be those Big White Fluffy Bright ones.....and try not to turn dark.  I know I need to watch my mood with my kids especially my daughter.  She is a mini me to a "T".  She is my love and she one of the wonderful reasons i wake up every morning and breathe!!!

It seems I have only barely scratched the surface to issues.  I am working through it I promise.  With the help of my siblings and now my "family" on Twitter and FB....things look better.  I know I have people who understand what I am doing and how I feel. 

Wanted to share a pic with you.....This was taken March 4th, 2011 I am 400+ pounds I have yet to officially step on scale too humiliated at the time to find out my true weight.  I am hoping that is the last time I will ever be that HEAVY!!!

We will see.....YES I have a smile and the clouds were darker that day....trying to leave to get to Denver this was day before Denver Casting Call for Biggest Loser
LOVE YA #BLTeamTwitter and All my BL Fam!  We are family no matter what!

Smile! Make People wonder what you are up too!!!