Today in our lovely world of Colorado, I sit in the local coffee cafe and enjoy the people watching it is an amazing mixture of young & old,the colorful local yolcals, business people, retirees, raft guides (River Rats the locals call them), a mother and son enjoying a Cinnamon roll, a father and older daughter reading the USA Today and have a long philosophical conversation. What a mixture of people...love my little piece of the world
As I sit here I am going through my life and writing in my journal(private) and then this "journal" I have had a chance to really look at people and how they treat their fellow "man". Overall everyone is friendly, we all have a couple things in common....COFFEE and keeping warm. At one time the place looked like the local HS computer lab....Yes me included. It is fun even with my headphones on I am not listening to anything, people still will talk and ask questions....biggest one here....Are you from here?? I smile and nod and then the conversations start. The one that really hit me today was this
Coffee-Friend "Not to be rude or anything is it hard living in this area being so obese and probably not able to enjoy the area?"
Me "None taken, and yes it is hard not being as active as I want to be here. Growing up here I wasn't this heavy, loved the area went hiking bike riding enjoyed the area. After the birth of my kids and the depression hit I didn't move."
Coffee-Friend " You can't be in a depression in this lovely area, how can you be so depressed, look at the views" as we look out the window we see rain/snow mix fall....LOL
Me"My depression is from the situation I was in when I moved back here, not because only of me gaining weight and living here.Gaining alot of weight has made it harder, but I am never admitting defeat. I have a plan and will be working on it"
Coffee-friend "OH I see so have you thought about doing the BIGGEST LOSER Show? They seemed to have a good plan. Are you working out now and eating better?.....(I started to giggle)....Something funny?"
Me "I just tried for hte 3rd or 4th time for the Biggest Loser, working on my weight at home and then see what happens when there is another casting chance, but I am NOT about to have my whole weight loss journey just on that show...I have a plan....No trainer can't afford a gym membership or trainer. I am doing on the what I learn from others, reading and learning all I can"
Coffee-Friend "Oh one of those health nutty fanatics haven't hit you up yet....well then here (they hand me their card) I can help, but not sure how to help you...."
Ok so that was this type of conversation I have had most this morning....There was more but after that comment I wasn't really truly sure how to answer or what was really said!!
After this Coffee-Friend left I sat back and giggled more and thought about what my life has turned out to be. REFLECTION TIME!!!
MY LIFE IS MESSED UP!!! No kidding.....Yes I have to say it! HAHAHAHAHA Whose life isn't messed up I look at what I am doing with my life and I know I could change alot but when I am not sure how, when, where and who to get help from it sit in my corner of my world and do nothing. My daughter made we wake up this morning too. She oh so sweetly came up to me and gave me a hug and said "Help me mommy, I don't want to be a heavy girl anymore, I don't want to be You" I know it was out of the mouth of my innocent girl, Boy it hit home. I think I was still dealing with that when the coffee-friend started talking. I am supposed to be the role model for my children. I can't seem to be that even though my kids tell me differently!! So this reflection day has also brought out what I need in my life....SUPPORT of my friends and family. FAMILY!! oh that is so another blog.
People say I am so outgoing and friendly and supportive, I am to others. Myself I don't give that same love. I am learning how very slowly but learning. I have listened to others, read other's blogs, researched so much in how to be happy now. LETTING GO OF THE PAST!!
My reflection of the day LET GO OF THE PAST, TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE! leaving it at that....Moving on Grasping the day!
Sitting in my own little corner of my world in my favorite Coffee Cafe, I have people watched and learned some people want to help but not what to say or do, I love watching Friends meeting up after days or even months talking about how to Let Go and move on in life ( Two amazing ladies next to me are talking about that) Talking care of self!! Yes have to take care of self....
Sorry this wasn't where this was supposed to go, but is anything you write what you really wanted to say in the beginning what you end up saying.....hahaha
Smile! Make others wonder what you are thinking!
LOVE TO YOU MY "FAMILY"
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunny & Cloudy Days....Patterns of my life and family
I am sitting here in the amazing little cafe BONGO BILLY'S, BEST TRIPLE MOCHA's in the world, and was just watching outside at the sky. For one of a few days we have sunshine...it's nice temp too. I can see the clouds forming and moving where ever they want to go. In a way I think that is what my life is doing. Really silly to think that way but not.
Watching the clouds form and roll and move and become brilliant white or darken up is fun, because I am feel that way on my life. I tend to form and move one way maybe to the brilliant bright self i know I am and then sometimes to the darker side of me....sadder, more anger side of myself....Maybe I need a Jedi Master instead....different fantasy....lol
Coming face to face with certain feeling and journaling makes a HUGE Difference in my life. Working through issues, We each have things to work through. I am not really sure at the the young age of 41yo who or what I am too be. All I know now is I need to be the best Self, mom, friend, I can be to those who care about me and I care about them. Some of my family don't realize how they say things and what they say don't really hurt.
I have been struggling with the relationship with my father. I think of the clouds turning when i think of my father. I really didn't grow up with him. I only really got to see him 6-8 weeks out of the summer while growing up. When I moved only 2 hrs from him instead of 5hrs I still only saw him for the summer. My siblings are 10.5 yrs and 13yrs younger then me. I will NEVER be anyone different then myself. I was compared to my sister, Cristin, at one point. She is younger then me and has all the brains....LOL When I heard " Not all my children are smart. My oldest can't spell." I can to spell!! I brushed it off....well to a point. I felt I let people down all the time. I still do....when that happens the dark full clouds show up stay with me for a long time.
My family is a very mixed family...Only child of my mom & dad's horrible marriage (as told to me by both parents from the age of 8yo) I am the Oldest girl....thought up until I was 18 I was oldest child....My mom had 2 more boys younger then me and my dad had another girl and boy. Then I found my older brother.....By the way I am the "RUNT" I am the shortest and widest of all my siblings....LOL I love every family member so much. My brother and sister from my dad is amazing with my weight loss journey right now. They are trying to help me so much. My sister is the one who told me about the changing moods or clouds in my life. We are all adults and trying get closer......HENCE the 14er climb in 2012 Hopefully!!! We are working through our things. Our father forget it!!!
My 2 brothers from my mom are supportive...They are my HEROES they are both military!! Not that my brother and sister aren't my heroes in their own right!! One bro is suffering through enough of his own things and my other brother is looking at a 7th deployment and 6th Christmas away from home at the end of this year. Talk about Dark Rumblin Clouds with them. My youngest bro told me to get working on weight or he will come train me MMA style----Wish he would he is into MMA!! They love and support each other, we have our own DEMONS from growing up together and their dad. But that is another blog day.
So all my family form and move to what their moods are just like the clouds in the sky. more and more these days i am trying to be those Big White Fluffy Bright ones.....and try not to turn dark. I know I need to watch my mood with my kids especially my daughter. She is a mini me to a "T". She is my love and she one of the wonderful reasons i wake up every morning and breathe!!!
It seems I have only barely scratched the surface to issues. I am working through it I promise. With the help of my siblings and now my "family" on Twitter and FB....things look better. I know I have people who understand what I am doing and how I feel.
Wanted to share a pic with you.....This was taken March 4th, 2011 I am 400+ pounds I have yet to officially step on scale too humiliated at the time to find out my true weight. I am hoping that is the last time I will ever be that HEAVY!!!
We will see.....YES I have a smile and the clouds were darker that day....trying to leave to get to Denver this was day before Denver Casting Call for Biggest Loser
LOVE YA #BLTeamTwitter and All my BL Fam! We are family no matter what!
Smile! Make People wonder what you are up too!!!
Watching the clouds form and roll and move and become brilliant white or darken up is fun, because I am feel that way on my life. I tend to form and move one way maybe to the brilliant bright self i know I am and then sometimes to the darker side of me....sadder, more anger side of myself....Maybe I need a Jedi Master instead....different fantasy....lol
Coming face to face with certain feeling and journaling makes a HUGE Difference in my life. Working through issues, We each have things to work through. I am not really sure at the the young age of 41yo who or what I am too be. All I know now is I need to be the best Self, mom, friend, I can be to those who care about me and I care about them. Some of my family don't realize how they say things and what they say don't really hurt.
I have been struggling with the relationship with my father. I think of the clouds turning when i think of my father. I really didn't grow up with him. I only really got to see him 6-8 weeks out of the summer while growing up. When I moved only 2 hrs from him instead of 5hrs I still only saw him for the summer. My siblings are 10.5 yrs and 13yrs younger then me. I will NEVER be anyone different then myself. I was compared to my sister, Cristin, at one point. She is younger then me and has all the brains....LOL When I heard " Not all my children are smart. My oldest can't spell." I can to spell!! I brushed it off....well to a point. I felt I let people down all the time. I still do....when that happens the dark full clouds show up stay with me for a long time.
My family is a very mixed family...Only child of my mom & dad's horrible marriage (as told to me by both parents from the age of 8yo) I am the Oldest girl....thought up until I was 18 I was oldest child....My mom had 2 more boys younger then me and my dad had another girl and boy. Then I found my older brother.....By the way I am the "RUNT" I am the shortest and widest of all my siblings....LOL I love every family member so much. My brother and sister from my dad is amazing with my weight loss journey right now. They are trying to help me so much. My sister is the one who told me about the changing moods or clouds in my life. We are all adults and trying get closer......HENCE the 14er climb in 2012 Hopefully!!! We are working through our things. Our father forget it!!!
My 2 brothers from my mom are supportive...They are my HEROES they are both military!! Not that my brother and sister aren't my heroes in their own right!! One bro is suffering through enough of his own things and my other brother is looking at a 7th deployment and 6th Christmas away from home at the end of this year. Talk about Dark Rumblin Clouds with them. My youngest bro told me to get working on weight or he will come train me MMA style----Wish he would he is into MMA!! They love and support each other, we have our own DEMONS from growing up together and their dad. But that is another blog day.
So all my family form and move to what their moods are just like the clouds in the sky. more and more these days i am trying to be those Big White Fluffy Bright ones.....and try not to turn dark. I know I need to watch my mood with my kids especially my daughter. She is a mini me to a "T". She is my love and she one of the wonderful reasons i wake up every morning and breathe!!!
It seems I have only barely scratched the surface to issues. I am working through it I promise. With the help of my siblings and now my "family" on Twitter and FB....things look better. I know I have people who understand what I am doing and how I feel.
Wanted to share a pic with you.....This was taken March 4th, 2011 I am 400+ pounds I have yet to officially step on scale too humiliated at the time to find out my true weight. I am hoping that is the last time I will ever be that HEAVY!!!
LOVE YA #BLTeamTwitter and All my BL Fam! We are family no matter what!
Smile! Make People wonder what you are up too!!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday the 13th....Biggest Loser Season 12....Not losing my NEW Family
I have always liked the number 13....don't know why except that it is 31 backwards and my bday is October 31st....yes HALLOWEEN!!! That is another story.....
So on Friday the 13th, many of us Biggest Loser Hopefuls recieved some sad news. They have casted Season 12...and of course I wasn't notified. I think in a way I wasn't surprised about not gettin gon this season. SO New out look on life and journey! This doesn't stop me like the other 3 times I tried. I will keep trying until I can no longer be on the ranch loosing enough weight. It's a hard journey and I have met close to 50 others who are on the same journey as I am. Those are my NEW FAMILY! You Know who you are!!
Everyone has their stories and everyone wants to get the help. Find a Buddy doesn't have to be close but can be helpful.....Keep in touch with that person, encourage and keep each other in check. Find more people in your/our community to get together. Start a walking group....Best FREE exercise we can do. Keep the positive people in your life...I know I will!!
This is short tonight of course the kids are bugging me to get out of here and get some walking in themselves. I will inspire others and hope to be inspired too. My fav saying & motto for a longtime has been Be The Change!! We can all Be The Change within ourselves and within others. Be the Butterfly we all are and Change for the better!
Not losing the new friends and Family I have made over this long journey if you wish to stay in touch I am on twitter under ArmySisterof2 (will explain if asked) and if you want to email then let me know and I will send you my email.
BE THE CHANGE!!
Smile! Make everyone wonder what you are up too
Love to all my "Family"
So on Friday the 13th, many of us Biggest Loser Hopefuls recieved some sad news. They have casted Season 12...and of course I wasn't notified. I think in a way I wasn't surprised about not gettin gon this season. SO New out look on life and journey! This doesn't stop me like the other 3 times I tried. I will keep trying until I can no longer be on the ranch loosing enough weight. It's a hard journey and I have met close to 50 others who are on the same journey as I am. Those are my NEW FAMILY! You Know who you are!!
Everyone has their stories and everyone wants to get the help. Find a Buddy doesn't have to be close but can be helpful.....Keep in touch with that person, encourage and keep each other in check. Find more people in your/our community to get together. Start a walking group....Best FREE exercise we can do. Keep the positive people in your life...I know I will!!
This is short tonight of course the kids are bugging me to get out of here and get some walking in themselves. I will inspire others and hope to be inspired too. My fav saying & motto for a longtime has been Be The Change!! We can all Be The Change within ourselves and within others. Be the Butterfly we all are and Change for the better!
Not losing the new friends and Family I have made over this long journey if you wish to stay in touch I am on twitter under ArmySisterof2 (will explain if asked) and if you want to email then let me know and I will send you my email.
BE THE CHANGE!!
Smile! Make everyone wonder what you are up too
Love to all my "Family"
Monday, May 2, 2011
HEALTHY OBESE...If this isn't a true Oxymoron!
When I heard this being muttered out of my dr's mouth, I have to admit I giggled. OH boy did I giggle. He looked at me as if I was crazy. I actually asked him was he crazy.
According to him everything was pretty good in levels EXCEPT for my iron & my thyroid .....well DUH how about my WEIGHT?? Dang! He wasn't really that concerned about my blood sugar. Well I was concerned. My father is Type II. His sister is Type II and I just found out that my Grandmother(their mother) was Type II and she died in 1998. Love how family communicate! I am very concerned about it all. My blood sugar was considered normal, but I am at a HIGH RISK!!! I am trying to really watch the intake of everything I eat my sugar and all unhealthy things. Honestly it is hard when you are a single mom on a small budget for food.
If I am HEALTHY OBESE....then so is my daughter. I have mentioned her before...Miss Emily is 11 yo and 145lbs. I was 14yo @ 145lbs. So we are doing this together. I think...NO I KNOW i am teaching my children unhealthy habits. I NEVER want my children or anyother children to have that TAG in their medical files "OBESE"
I live in one of the healthist states in the USA. SO why is there so many Unhealthy and Healthy(still makes me giggle) OBESE people. I am sorry to say no one wants to admit what is going on in their lives to account for the weight.
I am not wanting to have that in my file anymore. MY life is active. i want to be out there with my children running around on the soccer field with Emily, hiking the mountians with Tyler. Rafting with my friends....or even trying to Kayak...still a fear. I want to try rock climbing. I have siblings who want to see me healthy and will do anything to help. In 2012 we will be doing a 14er....I am so excited. Never knew my family is so supportive until I took this matter in my own head....NOT my own hands but my own head!!
IT's all in the HEAD! So when I sit and here and think about what my dr said HEALTHY OBESE I still giggle!!
SO for all of us HEALTHY OBESE People start to Change! Start to move even ifit is a little bit at a time...just think about what will happen with your life when you do start.....You will be become HEALTHY!!!
I am just rambling and it seems to be a silly rambling today! OH its just the HEALTHY OBESE person writing and the HEALTHY person struggling to get through and speak her mind!!
Smile! Make Everyone Wonder what YOU are up too!
According to him everything was pretty good in levels EXCEPT for my iron & my thyroid .....well DUH how about my WEIGHT?? Dang! He wasn't really that concerned about my blood sugar. Well I was concerned. My father is Type II. His sister is Type II and I just found out that my Grandmother(their mother) was Type II and she died in 1998. Love how family communicate! I am very concerned about it all. My blood sugar was considered normal, but I am at a HIGH RISK!!! I am trying to really watch the intake of everything I eat my sugar and all unhealthy things. Honestly it is hard when you are a single mom on a small budget for food.
If I am HEALTHY OBESE....then so is my daughter. I have mentioned her before...Miss Emily is 11 yo and 145lbs. I was 14yo @ 145lbs. So we are doing this together. I think...NO I KNOW i am teaching my children unhealthy habits. I NEVER want my children or anyother children to have that TAG in their medical files "OBESE"
I live in one of the healthist states in the USA. SO why is there so many Unhealthy and Healthy(still makes me giggle) OBESE people. I am sorry to say no one wants to admit what is going on in their lives to account for the weight.
I am not wanting to have that in my file anymore. MY life is active. i want to be out there with my children running around on the soccer field with Emily, hiking the mountians with Tyler. Rafting with my friends....or even trying to Kayak...still a fear. I want to try rock climbing. I have siblings who want to see me healthy and will do anything to help. In 2012 we will be doing a 14er....I am so excited. Never knew my family is so supportive until I took this matter in my own head....NOT my own hands but my own head!!
IT's all in the HEAD! So when I sit and here and think about what my dr said HEALTHY OBESE I still giggle!!
SO for all of us HEALTHY OBESE People start to Change! Start to move even ifit is a little bit at a time...just think about what will happen with your life when you do start.....You will be become HEALTHY!!!
I am just rambling and it seems to be a silly rambling today! OH its just the HEALTHY OBESE person writing and the HEALTHY person struggling to get through and speak her mind!!
Smile! Make Everyone Wonder what YOU are up too!
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